100 Hilarious Quotes About Getting Old

Getting older isn't easy, but it can sure be funny. These quotes about aging will have you laughing through the wrinkles and the gray hair. Enjoy!

1. "Age is merely the number of years the world has been enjoying you." - Unknown
2. "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." - Bob Hope
3. "I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope
4. "The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age." - Lucille Ball
5. "Getting older is like living in a haunted house. There's all this unexplained creaking and moaning." - Unknown
6. "You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely." - Ogden Nash
7. "Old age comes at a bad time." - San Banducci
8. "At my age, I’ve seen it all, done it all, heard it all... I just can’t remember it all." - Unknown
9. "You know you’re getting old when you bend down to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there." - George Burns
10. "You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot." - Phyllis Diller
11. "Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane
12. "I refuse to admit I'm more than fifty-two, even if that makes my children illegitimate." - Nancy Astor
13. "Middle age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you." - Ogden Nash
14. "Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Unknown
15. "You know you're getting old when everything hurts. And what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner
16. "I’m at an age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller
17. "You know you’re old when people say, ‘You’re still doing that?’" - Unknown
18. "I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." - Andy Rooney
19. "When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain
20. "We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress." - Will Rogers
21. "The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened." - Mark Twain
22. "Old age is always fifteen years older than I am." - Bernard Baruch
23. "The older I get, the better I used to be." - Lee Trevino
24. "Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter." - Satchel Paige
25. "Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." - Mark Twain
26. "The idea is to die young as late as possible." - Ashley Montagu
27. "Old age is like everything else. To make a success of it, you’ve got to start young." - Theodore Roosevelt
28. "You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen
29. "By the time you're eighty years old, you've learned everything. You only have to remember it." - George Burns
30. "I'm at that age where my mind says 'yes' but my body says 'what the hell are you thinking?'" - Unknown
31. "Growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional." - Walt Disney
32. "You know you're getting old when you stop to think and forget to start again." - Unknown
33. "Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative." - Maurice Chevalier
34. "As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Norman Wisdom
35. "Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life." - Kitty O'Neill Collins
36. "Old people shouldn't eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get." - Robert Orben
37. "I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
38. "I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane
39. "It’s sad to grow old, but nice to ripen." - Brigitte Bardot
40. "When you’re older, Friday nights are less about wild parties and more about how quickly you can put on your pajamas." - Unknown
41. "At my age, 'getting lucky' means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for." - Unknown
42. "Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you’re aboard, there’s nothing you can do." - Golda Meir
43. "The older I get, the more I see people younger than me dying. How did I outlast all of you?" - John Waters
44. "Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle." - Bob Hope
45. "There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer
46. "The older I get, the more I’m convinced that one of life’s greatest pleasures is just sleeping in." - Unknown
47. "When you’re old, the trick is to be spry enough to get to the bathroom in time, but not so spry that you break a hip on the way there." - Jerry Seinfeld
48. "You don’t stop laughing because you grow older. You grow older because you stop laughing." - Maurice Chevalier
49. “At my age, 'getting lucky' means walking into a room and remembering why I went there.” – Unknown
50. “You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.” – Bob Hope
51. “The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
52. “Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” – Jack Benny
53. “You know you’re getting older when happy hour is a nap.” – Unknown
54. “I’m not aging, I’m marinating.” – Unknown
55. “Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.” – George Burns
56. “Growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional.” – Walt Disney
57. “Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.” – Unknown
58. “Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese.” – Luis Buñuel
59. “You know you’re getting old when everything hurts. And what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work.” – Hy Gardner
60. “You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.” – Woody Allen
61. “Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.” – Jennifer Yane
62. “I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.” – Phyllis Diller
63. “By the time you're 80 years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.” – George Burns
64. “The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.” – Lucille Ball
65. “I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to.” – Albert Einstein
66. “When you’re young, you think your parents are superhuman. Then you grow up and realize they’re just regular human beings who are older than you.” – Unknown
67. “Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” – Mark Twain
68. “I’m so old, my blood type was discontinued.” – Bill Dane
69. “Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.” – Elbert Hubbard
70. “The older I get, the earlier it gets late.” – Unknown
71. “Old age comes at a bad time.” – San Banducci
72. “The older you get, the more you realize that no one has any idea what they’re doing and we’re all just winging it.” – Unknown
73. “You’re never too old to learn something stupid.” – Unknown
74. “Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.” – Bob Hope
75. “It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle.” – Unknown
76. “Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier
77. “Wrinkles should merely indicate where the smiles have been.” – Mark Twain
78. “The older I get, the more I appreciate being able to watch other people do things I used to think I could still do.” – Unknown
79. “One of the best parts of getting older? You can afford your own shoes.” – Unknown
80. “Middle age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you.” – Ogden Nash
81. “I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.” – Bob Hope
82. “You know you’re getting old when you stop buying green bananas.” – Unknown
83. “At my age, the only pole dancing I do is holding on to the safety bar in the shower.” – Unknown
84. “Old age is like everything else. To make a success of it, you’ve got to start young.” – Fred Astaire
85. “The idea is to die young as late as possible.” – Ashley Montagu
86. “The older you get, the better you get. Unless you’re a banana.” – Betty White
87. “I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.” – Rita Rudner
88. “Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” – Kitty O’Neill Collins
89. “There is still no cure for the common birthday.” – John Glenn
90. “I’m not old. I’m 25... plus shipping and handling.” – Unknown
91. “You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.” – Phyllis Diller
92. “You know you’re old when you turn down the lights to be economical instead of romantic.” – Unknown
93. “Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of 80 and gradually approach 18.” – Mark Twain
94. “I have everything I had twenty years ago, except now it's all lower.” – Gypsy Rose Lee
95. “We don’t grow older, we grow riper.” – Pablo Picasso
96. “I’m at that age where my mind still thinks I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet.” – Unknown
97. “Old age is always fifteen years older than I am.” – Oliver Wendell Holmes
98. “You know you're old when you've lost all your marvels.” – Merry Browne
99. “I don’t let my age define me, but the bathroom mirror sure tries to!” – Unknown
100. “I know how old I am because my knees told me.” – Eddie Murphy

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